Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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