Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
