i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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