i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
