I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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