Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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