just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
