i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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