My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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