Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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