Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
