I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
