I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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