I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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