haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
