she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize