apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
PANTIES FOUND
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