I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
