Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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