Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
