I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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