she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
