don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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