I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
