so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize