i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
