Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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