Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
