Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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