Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
