he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize