then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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