I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
