ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
