I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize