I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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