There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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