i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
