There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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