my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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