something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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