I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it glows. i had to have it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize