good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
