my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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