i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
barbara walters just said penis...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
