I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
