Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
