you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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