Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
