well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize