he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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