i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
