I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
