I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
