i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize