I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
