he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
