dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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